Greenland accepts Donald Trump’s offer

You can learn a lot about modern geopolitics by reading the news with a cup of coffee and the same suspicion you reserve for used-car salesmen.

It began, as these things often do, with President Trump “inviting” Greenland to become the 51st state of the United States. Some people called it a joke. Others called it a threat. A few hard-working internet types immediately started calculating whether Greenland could be swung by a single Florida condominium association.

Then, the next morning, I found an envelope slid under my door like a casino flyer or a late-night pizza menu. It was thick, official-looking, and printed in the kind of solemn bureaucratic font that says: we have stamps, and we are not afraid to use them.

Inside was the following letter:

OFFICIAL COMMUNICATION

Inatsisartut (Parliament of Greenland)
Nuuk, Kalaallit Nunaat (Greenland)

To:
The Honorable Donald J. Trump
President of the United States of America
The large White House with the iron railings and sentries, Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Subject: Greenland’s Acceptance of Your Kind Invitation to Become the 51st State of the United States

Mr President,

On behalf of the Inatsisartut, which, as you will already know, is the elected legislature and democratic heart of Greenland, I write to express our thanks for your generous invitation that Greenland should become the Fifty-First State of the United States of America.

We unreservedly accept. Please advise which form we need to complete on your web site.

This decision was not taken lightly. Our members debated the matter with solemnity and tariff-free coffee was consumed in quantities unlikely to be approved by the World Health Organization. In the end, the Inatsisartut reached unanimous agreement, with only one amendment: Greenland reserves the right to continue pronouncing “Nuuk” correctly.

Statehood Ceremony: Midsummer’s Day
We are pleased to invite you to Greenland’s official Statehood Ceremony, to be held on Midsummer’s Day, when Greenland enjoys several hours of daylight.

This is practical. It allows the ceremony to be seen on TV, when we confidently expect to get great ratings on all the US TV networks.

The ceremony will be held in Nuuk. A platform will be erected and a choir will sing patriotic anthems including This Land Is Your Land, My Country ‘Tis Of Thee, California Girls, and I Left My Heart in Mar-a-Lago. Speeches will be delivered. Several individuals with no business holding a microphone will insist on doing so anyway. This is democracy, Mr President, and the Inatsisartut believes it should be experienced fully.

Congressional Delegation Required
We respectfully request that you bring with you an appropriate delegation of Congressional officials so that, following the raising of the new flag, you may oversee the swearing-in of Greenland’s first representatives to the United States Congress.

Greenland will provide:

• Two Senators, selected by Greenland, as befits our equal standing within the Union
• One Representative, also selected by Greenland, who will immediately begin the essential work of explaining Greenland to Washington

We believe it is important that our representatives commence their duties at once. We understand Congress sometimes moves with glacial slowness but we are Greenlanders so we are familiar with the concept of a deep freeze.

The New Flag of the United States
At the ceremony, the new flag of the United States will be raised, featuring 50 stars and an outline of Greenland in place of the 51st star.

This design is elegant and practical. It prevents overcrowding, reduces confusion among schoolchildren, and ensures Greenland’s distinctive shape can be identified from a great distance, including from orbit, which we understand is increasingly important to United States foreign policy.

The Greenland Noble Prize
Finally, Mr President, the Inatsisartut is delighted to confirm you will be honoured with Greenland’s most prestigious award: Greenland’s Noble Prize (sic).

You will be presented with a large gold medal, depicting your head on the obverse. The reverse will depict the back of the head of Vice President Vance, following two committee meetings and a robust discussion concerning Vice Presidential feelings.

Accommodation in Washington
Following statehood, it will be necessary for Greenland’s new Senators and Representative to spend extended periods in Washington while Congress is in session. We would be grateful if you could recommend suitable hotels, ideally featuring reliable central heating, elevators capable of transporting penguin suit and breakfast options including pickled herrings.

We understand Washington is a unique environment, and we wish to ensure our delegation is housed in comfort while they learn your legislative customs, including the important local tradition of speaking for eight minutes without saying anything.

Practical Matters
We assure you that arrangements for the ceremony will include secure transport, appropriate refreshments, culturally suitable entertainment, and a brief orientation on the difference between a glacier and a snowcone.

You may wish to bring a warm coat.

Mr President, please accept the assurances of my highest consideration. The Inatsisartut looks forward to welcoming you to Nuuk on Midsummer’s Day, and to embarking upon a new chapter of shared destiny, conducted in friendship, in daylight, and with only a modest amount of geopolitical chaos.

Respectfully,

Magnus Cum Laude
Speaker of the Inatsisartut
Parliament of Greenland
Nuuk, Kalaallit Nunaat

Now I’m not saying the letter IS genuine. it looks pretty authentic to me, but I have never met a Greenlander in the flesh, so who knows?

I’m simply saying it had immaculate spacing, it capitalized the correct words, and it mentioned multiple committees and in politics, these three sacred signs indicate authenticity.

Also, choosing Midsummer’s Day makes perfect sense. Greenland does daylight the way Americans do portion sizes. There is no “small.” If you’re going to declare a new state, swear in two senators, and introduce a redesigned flag, you might as well do it under a sun that refuses to set.

As for the Greenland Noble Prize (sic), I’m thrilled to see Vice President Vance on the reverse of the medal. It something is worth knowing about, you might as well know about the backside.

Personally, I look forward to the new American flag. Fifty stars have been around forever, and it is about time that middle school civics books are updated with some new graphics.

If nothing else, it would be the first time in modern history that a country expanded by acquiring land that no one ever wanted before.

And now… as far as Bermuda is concerned, it seems clear enough that when Sir George Somers was shipwrecked on this North Atlantic island in 1607 on his the way to deliver groceries and toilet paper to the lost Roanoke Island settlers in Virginia, that the simple act of putting his boots on the ground sealed the deal for another future state.