How to be a good caregiver

By Miriam Drake, M.Ed., L.M.H.C., N.C.C.

To be a good caregiver, first and foremost, you need to be good to yourself.  I cannot emphasize this enough!  This is extremely important. It is not being selfish!  It is simply practical.  If you are not there, or burned out and can’t think straight, what happens to the patient?  Once you understand what is happening and that you have a patient to care for, organize your thoughts, then delegate as much as possible, as soon as possible.  Invite friends and family members to help you during all the stress and chaos.  Hire caregivers.

The point to remember is to delegate early in the process of the illness or recovery, so that you avoid the bane of all caregivers: severe burn out.  I’ve been there!  I burned out.  I was past burn out at week #10 but still had 42 weeks left to go in my husband’s care!  You don’t need to do this!  Once you know about the patient’s prognosis and care needs, usually within a few days in the hospital, get on it!  Make lists of what needs to be done around the house, shopping, food prep, doctor visits, etc.  and locate people to do the weekly tasks.  Do not wait!

Delegating is simple.  Make a list of everyone you know, and think about which tasks would be suitable for each person.  As a starting point, use the task list I have created for you, and place names after each task you wish to delegate.  Then ask these people for help.  Find out what they would like to do.  Put together a schedule of who is doing what, along with the day and time of the week.  Keep this organized.  If you get forgetful, just laugh!  Be easy on yourself.  You will be doing dumb things!  I guarantee it!  It’s all part of the caregiver’s role!

During the most difficult months caring for my incapacitated husband, I could barely think straight.  I was alone in a foreign country doing everything myself, and I was making mistakes.  I finally decided to put together a group of 10 friends to meet weekly and brainstorm solutions with me.  These meetings were invaluable.  They helped me solve problems, see a bigger picture, release stress, and feel understood and connected. You could do this too.

Delegation gives the caregiver valuable time off regularly to rest, think, enjoy some peace and quiet, to forget about her cares for the moment, and to enjoy expressing herself in conversations with friends and family.  It is important to get time away from the patient, and to express your feelings honestly and openly with someone who is willing to listen actively and not judge you.  Get out in Nature, move your body, take long breaks for hours or days.

Releasing all of your emotional, mental and physical stress regularly will prevent the buildup of stress inside you.  Internally held stress will not only weigh you down emotionally and mentally, it actually is a health hazard.  Think pressure cooker.  You don’t want to become one!

Hire a counselor soon in the process to help you lift those burdens each week from your mind and heart.  Working with a counselor will help you keep your perspective, and remain healthy and sane.  These meetings are private and confidential, so airing dirty laundry isn’t a problem.  Do it!  If there is a spiritual dimension to the problem, visit with your clergy member or a spiritually oriented friend with whom you can have deep conversations.

Darkness will become your friend.  During your role as a caregiver, you may go through some very dark times and have some very dark thoughts and moments.  This is normal.  Count on it happening.  There are, however, dark things that happen that are truly funny.  Dark humor has its place in situations like this, so go ahead and let loose, laugh.  Funny things will happen to you.  They happened to us.

My late husband had had a stroke, and two emergency surgeries all of which required hospital stays. After each time he returned home, and I had him snuggly tucked into bed, he invariably fell out of bed while I was not looking, attending to something else.  This happened each time!  At first, I was horrified thinking something awful could happen to him.  I have no medical knowledge.  But once I realized this was just the way it was and nothing awful happened like death or worse, we began to see these falls as funny.  It became hilarious for both of us.  We’d just look at each other and burst out laughing.

During the second half of my late husband’s stroke survival year, we happened to meet Peg and her husband at church.  I was lucky to have Peg in my life.  Her husband had Parkinson’s and she had been caring for him for over 20 years during which time his health and capabilities had significantly declined.  She knew the dark side quite well.  We spent hours commiserating and howling with shared laughter at the dark stuff that happened to us and to our men.  Caregiving can have its crazy funny moments!  It’s amazing what’s funny when you are dealing with all the challenges and all the things that can go wrong!  Trust me, they will go wrong.

Dark humor aside, remember to take care of your own body too!  This means a diet rich in nutrients.  It is also good to do things to stretch the body like yoga and let the stress out through massage and movements.  Dancing, walking, gardening, and running are also good.  Get outside and breathe.  The trees exhale oxygen and need the carbon dioxide we exhale.  So, do yourself a favor each day or each week and take walks in nature, surrounding yourself with living, breathing organisms!

Volunteers and friends can help you:

• General helpers who daily help the caregiver with the little things like getting the patient out of bed and walking with assistance
• Errands of all sorts
• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Grocery shopping
• Scheduling appointments
• Bill paying
• Medicine and medical supply inventory and shopping
• Taking the caregiver out for tea or lunch
• Listening to the caregiver and brainstorming solutions
• Taking the caregiver out for “walk and talks”
• Going with the caregiver to exercise or yoga classes
• Helping the caregiver get what he/she needs, like time off…such as an afternoon off, or a weekend away, or a month away from home and away from the patient for recharging his/her batteries

My advice to the new caregiver is to stay connected with friends, family and your therapist. Take good care of yourself. Laugh often.  You will get through this. If I can do it, you can too! With my very best wishes for your happiness and good health.
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Miriam Drake, M.Ed., L.M.H.C., N.C.C. has experience working in health care administration, and now is a psychotherapist in private practice serving adults via electronic media internationally.  Place your order for your copy of the revised 2025 edition of “Expat Medical Emergency Preparation Manual” by writing Miriam at: expatmedassist@gmail.com.