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Black Friday, USA: The Christmas season is off to a rousing start

USAmericans pride themselves on planning ahead. That’s why they start Christmas shopping the day after Halloween.

Shopping, of course, is one of our inalienable rights, guaranteed by the Constitution along with the right to pack more horsepower, firepower, and body mass per capita than any other nation on earth.

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We celebrate these liberties on “Black Friday,” the symbolic day that store balance sheets turn from red ink (losing money) to black ink (finding money). This is the day when credit-driven consumer spending on cheap imported goods kicks into overdrive. It’s also the day that Americans fulfill their overdue last New Year’s resolution to “get more exercise” by running through shopping malls like bulls in the streets of Pamplona.

Black Friday festivities used to start the morning after Thanksgiving, but retailers now open their stores during the Thursday evening feast to entice well-fed consumers who need an excuse to escape from naughty kids and dirty dishes (Click here for more).

A Black Friday scrum in Cincinnati.

As with much of daily life in the USA, Black Friday can be quite competitive. People can be trampled as throngs of coupon-clutching customers crush through well-stocked aisles in the annual hunt for bargains. Fights and smackdowns go viral as kids hunker down in shopping carts to live stream video of their loving parents wrestling puppy robots and Goo Goo Galaxy dolls away from raging strangers.

Taking a cue from the popular sport of cage fighting, many vendors lock consumers inside stores to battle with spray cans and toasters until only the worthiest shoppers cross the checkout stations.

Traditionally the realm of brick and mortar stores, online retailers are now offering their own version of Black Friday mayhem. For shoppers who prefer the internet but don’t want to miss the thrill of the strip mall, “Cyber Monday” offers the excitement of identity theft, credit card fraud, and a variety of wild phone scams from the comfort of home.

President Calvin Coolidge, not one to mincemeat or words, once declared, “…the chief business of the American people is business.” Roll over, Calvin! The American economy is now open 24/7 for full-contact commerce.

So, if you’re in the States this Thanksgiving and looking for an excuse to abandon your annoying relatives, just say, “Black Friday.” Those who venture out early can enjoy the added thrill of demolition derbies in parking lots. If you camp overnight, you can combat the cold by playing popular games like “Guess Who’s Carrying a Concealed Weapon” and “America’s Got Bullets.”

God bless America,  land of the free-for-all.

22 thoughts on “Black Friday, USA: The Christmas season is off to a rousing start

  1. Well guess what, I made the mistake of going into Coral on Friday at the Batan Mall. The shoppers put the USA shoppers to shame. Many had TWO (2) CARTS , pushing one pulling the other, many stuffed to the brim. Clearly a family affair too. I made it to the second isle and had to turn around and leave. And of course, it was all Ecuadorians.

    1. Hey, it seems like you’re giving Ecuadorians credit for being better Black Friday shoppers than USAmericans. No way! We invented Black Friday and we will always be number one. Speaking of credit…more Ecuadorians are now using that wonderful invention called the credit card. It’s another one of our ideas that they try to copy. Credit cards make Black Friday purchases so much easier.

      1. Easy credit is what will destroy Ecuador financially and culturally. It will infuse Ecuadorians with impulse buying and living; undermine the family structure; and watch people lose their assets, when their supposed home ownership is a bank mortgage to default upon in hard times. Immediate gratification will infuse the alcohol and drug culture as well. When the hard times come, the upper middle class will be creamed just like they were with the demise of the Wiemar Republic in Pre-World War II Germany. Bad investments and poor credit bring the Day of Reckoning.

        The only lesson learned from history is that no lesson is learned all all.
        Those who don’t know their history are doomed to repeat it.
        Those who do know their history are doomed to repeat it with those who don’t know history.
        The more things change. The more they remain the same.

        Happy Holidays!

    2. I did the exact same thing you did; walked into Batan Mall, took one look at the crowds at Coral, and did a complete 180 out of the mall.

      What was really disgusting is how the Perez family, which is to my understanding, owns these malls and the Corals had put up their Christmas decorations up in late August. The kids were not even back in school yet, and the malls were decorated for Christmas.

      Just disgusting to make a buck, and this family has done more to slather Santa Claus b.s. all over the malls as well. Bring back the Nativities that only a few years ago dominated Christmas decorations before the tree sales erupted. Amazing when people and a culture lose their souls. Why do Ecuadorians always have to imitate the worst from North American culture, and in the process increasingly give up what was the best in their culture?

    3. A lot of people that were at Coral at the Batan Mall were there to stock up on things that don’t go bad and they will never stop using————– toilet paper, detergent, disinfectants, soap, tooth paste, etc. If they have the financial means to take advantage of the sale prices, it is a sensible thing to do. I was there around 2 in the afternoon and it wasn’t bad at all. Worth the hassle for the things I bought. Nothing frivolous, just stuff I will need no matter what.

    1. Only bad things certainly darling
      You’re right, it is comical, only for poor people; because people with a BRAIN, doesn’t do that anymore.
      We young people, are thinking by ourselves; plus the USA is being a Master of Destruction all over the World, how good is it to copy those ideas, full of anger and hate?
      Just sayin’

    2. But to be fair… ask a party goer in the states why they are celebrating Cinco de Mayo. After taking a sip of margarita, they’ll probably guess, “Mexican Independence”?

  2. What about the BLACK FRIDAY STABBING ATTACK yesterday, by the London Bridge?? Nobody is talking about that, just how wonderful was the Black Friday in the States.
    Let’s stop consuming stupid things, we DON’T NEED; and let’s start being CONSCIOUS about ourselves and with our PLANET. We don’t need things to live, life needs us to live; let’s be WISE…
    Stop the consumerism of unnecessary things, and let’s enjoy life as it is.
    Just sayin’

    1. Would you please stop saying “Just sayin'”? It is meaningless and ads nothing to your posts.

      Just sayin’.

        1. I’d stop complaining if the poster could give me a decent explanation of what it means, but because it means nothing, that is impossible. In her particular case, she just adds it gratuitously after most of her inane posts.

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