Nov 23, 2019 | 28 comments

Every year, on the fourth Thursday of November, USAmericans celebrate the feast of Thanksgringo by cramming a giant bird into their stoves and sharing a tense meal with annoying relatives.

Most Americans hate turkey which is why they slaughter so many of them at this time of year. After the annual massacre, Americans consume the birds in the Thanksgringo feast that pays tribute to pioneer spirit, stolen land and over-indulgence.

Forgetting how foul last year’s turkey tasted, families will gather around dry, overcooked carcasses and tell folksy stories about the brave pilgrims who, fleeing Old World intolerance, managed to sneak an entire continent out from underneath its original inhabitants.

To make the dreaded bird more palatable, resourceful cooks will accessorize it with caustic  cranberry relish, marshmallow encrusted pumpkin pie, gravy drenched giblets, and a variety of roots and tubers coated in burnt cinnamon.

Gringo Thanksgiving is an awkward, disaster fraught family feud and celebration. Before the feast, it is traditional for children to gather around an imported TV and watch American football, the modern version of ancient Roman gladiatorial competitions. Enjoying ritualized violence helps impressionable youngsters bond with their racist uncles, angry grandparents, and mean cousins.

When the meal is served, Americans thank God for granting them more horsepower, firepower, and body mass than all other nations combined. After saying grace, the cook is often moved to tears when the in-laws garnish everything with traditional displeasure.

Unfortunately, Thanksgringo is not without risk. Last year, an entire subdivision perished when someone tried to mask the gamey taste of turkey by stuffing it with shredded paper and slathering it with motor oil before dropping it into a deep fryer.

Just like the pioneers of old, when the feast is over Americans race to shopping malls and trample each other in celebration of another New World tradition known as “Black Friday.” Seething with pent-up aggression, we turn Costco and Wal-Marts into mixed martial arts cage fights for baubles and bargains.

Thanksgringo means Christmas is just around the corner. Which means another chance to kill turkeys, argue with our spectrum-y relatives and prowl the day-after-Xmas sales as our pilgrim fathers no doubt intended.

R.S. Gompertz is a native of Southern California who currently lives and writes in Seattle. He recently completed a tour of Mexico and South America during which he spent several weeks in Cuenca, to which he hopes, someday, to return to live. His most recent book, “Life’s Big Zoo,” is available on Amazon. For more information about his life, work and travels, click here.


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