By Tammy Ziv
Dear baby boomers, we are sorry to tell you that these things were never cool, it’s time to accept that. In the 1950’s and 60’s there was a big rise in births in America, so much so, that it was dubbed a “baby boom”.
The children born between 1946 and 1964 are now known as the baby boomer generation and they grew up to be very influential in government and business. That is how they managed to make a lot of uncool things hugely popular. Here’s our list of things baby boomers believe are cool but really aren’t.
Diamonds. A girls’ best friend or not, it turns out that diamonds aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. These precious gems are released slowly into the market to drive up their prices, keeping their costs scandalously high. How many people could enjoy free higher education with all the money spent on diamonds?
Golf. The most boring sport known to man, it isn’t really exercise and actually hurts your back. Is golf anything other than a status symbol and a place for wealthy men to discuss business?? Also, the start up costs are enormous. Count me out.
The mall. With everything and anything available online and delivered straight to your door. There’s no need to go anywhere near crowded stores, teenagers and endless parking lots.
Toast, hold the butter. It is easy to make fun of millennials and the amount of money they spend on avocado toast, but hey, at least that tastes good. You know what doesn’t? White sandwich bread toasted with nothing on top. Talk about dry…
24-hour news networks. No news is good news, as the saying goes, but what about the same news over and over worded slightly differently for hours. It’s faster and more informative to just go online and find out what’s going on.
Crocs. If you are not a medical professional or a chef, on your feet all day, there is no excuse for these ridiculous shoes. No matter how comfortable they are.
Reader’s Digest. What is so amazing about Reader’s Digest that makes baby boomers love it so much? No one knows, but the magazine has been around for nearly one hundred years so, so maybe they’re on to something.
Ironing. Ironing is the worst and most boring household chore. It’s better to be a bit wrinkled than to slave away over a hot iron. And FYI, nobody has creases in their pants anymore, you’re not in the army now.
Jorts. The perfect outfit, both jeans and shorts. They go with everything, especially Crocs, and don’t forget to tuck in your short to complete the look.
Word wall art. Who thought inspirational quotes hanging in the bathroom were a good idea, baby boomers apparently. It doesn’t matter if they are decals or painted on, these are just plain tacky.
Conspiracy theories. Baby boomers love conspiracy theories from the faked moon landing to the Soviets assassinating JFK. It’s not hard to see why the popularity of fake news sites is on the rise.
NCIS. It seems that after a certain age, you just can’t stop yourself from following every procedural cop show on TV. After a while the stories start repeating themselves, but hey at least you know it’s all going to work out in 60 minutes (including commercials).
Sending emails. Haven’t they heard of WhatsApp, Messanger or at least texting? Nobody sends emails anymore.
Landlines. There’s a reason the expression waiting by the phone is obsolete. Even though landlines are basically free these days, there’s really no reason not to use your cell phone for all your calls and other cool stuff too.
Cruises. What an amazing idea, a floating hotel you can only leave for a few hours a day, with a set agenda, shuffleboard and all you can eat buffets. This sounds like the prefect way for an adventurous travel to enjoy the local sights, culture and cuisine, or not.
Paper bills. They’re messy, hard to keep track of and bad for the environment. Why would anyone pay their bills the old-fashioned way when you can do it online or use automatic payments?
MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS. How can we explain why this is such a problem. IT MAKES EVERYTHING YOU WRITE SEEM LIKE YELLING.
Retirement funds. Saving up for retirement is a good idea, but when you guys empty out all the money Social Security has, the rest of us will never be able to retire. Since you helped set these systems up, that hardly seems fair.
Mrs. Dash. The world is full of exotic spices and flavors, but baby boomers seem to be stuck on just one – Mrs. Dash, and use it on everything. Hmmm, tastes… the same.
Home shopping channels. As if we all don’t already buy too much stuff we don’t need, now there are entire networks of useless products transmitting 24/7. Even capitalism could use a break from time to time.
Men’s slacks. Even Gisele can’t make these look good. They are like regular pants but with pleats around the waist, you know, where people want to look the widest.
Racquetball. Just like tennis but instead of enjoying the open air you are stuck in a tiny room, hitting a ball against the wall and smelling your own sweat. What’s the point? Why not just play tennis?
Patterned wallpaper. Wallpaper almost always looks bad, but baby boomers put it everywhere. Including the bathroom.
Giant cable tv packages. When’s the last time you checked out the farming channel? Nobody actually needs 1000’s of channels on five different televisions sets, for a large monthly fee, when you are only interested in news and prime time shows. Haven’t you heard of Netflix?
Fossil fuels. Baby boomers are considered the greediest generation. It’s time to stop destroying the planet and fighting wars over oil and start spending money on green, sustainable energy.
Fuzzy toilet seat covers. These fuzzy butt warmers trap so many odors and germs inside that washing them even twice a day is not enough. I have to say, cold seems better then gross.
Meatloaf. There is one meal each week dreaded by every child, you guessed it, it’s meatloaf night! It’s a gross rectangle, covered in brown slime with a bland taste. And you wonder why hipster food is so popular?
Infomercials. Like regular commercials aren’t bad enough, each one of these lasts for half an hour. Infomercials are proof that people with too much money will buy anything.
Bizarre salads. It’s true that millennials eat strange things. I mean, who doesn’t love kombucha and sprouted nuts? But at least they have never made anyone suffer through the indignity of eating broccoli grape salad dipped in mayonnaise.
Avon and Mary Kay. I don’t get Avon, women in pink come to your home and charge you double for pyramid scheme makeup. Why not go to Sephora or Mac or go to the drugstore for the cheaper brands.
Catalogs. Just in case Amazon and shopping malls aren’t enough for you, here’s a magazine with all the stuff we sell. Please look over EVERYTHING before you decide what to spend your money on.
Throw pillows. Pillows, pillows everywhere, on every bed, chair, couch and surface in the house. They don’t have any use and it takes you ten minutes to take them off the bed before you can go to sleep.
Juice from concentrate. I’m not saying you have to squeeze an orange every morning, but fresh OJ comes in a box and all you need to do is pour. Instead, you can take a can out of the freezer, mix with water and wait. Who thought this was a good idea?
Metal detectors. There’s nothing cooler than someone walking down the beach with one of these babies. And they can also take you to dinner and pay with tons of old bottlecaps and absolutely nothing of value.
Potpourri. And they can also take you to dinner and pay with tons of old bottlecaps and absolutely nothing of value. It seems like the odor never escapes the weirdly shaped bowls it is placed in.
Dateline. The veteran TV show has been on air for over twenty years, taking the news and making it longer. The only question left to ask is, why?
Overly processed food. I guess baby boomers got sick of real food and decided that processed was the way to go. We have them to thank for the popularity of TV dinners and canned food.
Tax cuts for the rich. It’s about time somebody worried about the rich minority in America. Hope you’re not too attached to the surplus economy. It was nice while it lasted.
Bar soap. Bar soap is gross and not for sharing, and the things that stick to it, ugh. Liquid soap just looks and smells better.
All you can eat buffets. All you can eat sounds like a good idea in theory, but there is something a little off about a never-ending supply of steak, pancakes, lobster and biscuits, all sitting under a heat lamp. Save yourself a stomach ache, pick a food and just go with it.
Knickknacks. They take up shelf space, collect dust and are absolutely worthless. What’s the deal with knickknacks?
Chain restaurants. There’s one in every city in America and they are all exactly the same. Next time treat yourself to more than Olive Garden and check out a one of a kind local restaurant instead.
Display china. Just what every house needs, expensive dishes that no one ever uses with their own decorative shelf. Go crazy people, eat off those plates!
Danielle Steel novels. If they sell it at the supermarket it’s probably not going to be topping any best book lists. On other hand, you will never run out of books to read. How many books did this woman write?
Financial Advisors. How do you make so much money that you actually have to pay someone for advice on what to do with it? The bad news is, studies show that financial advisers are less effective than no financial advice at all.
Amway. Amway, short for American way, is the first multi-level marketing business. What is it with baby boomers and pyramid schemes? I thought they were good at making money.
Capri Khaki pants. Wearing khaki clothing that is not part of a uniform is a fashion crime, and capris? That length would make Lebron James look short.
Sweepstakes. It’s time to face the harsh truth. You are never ever going to win.
Alex Jones. Hey, I know this guy’s shocking stories and conspiracy theories are entertaining. But if he doesn’t produce any proof, can you really call this news?
The 9-to-5 workweek. How much real work gets done Monday to Friday from nine to five? Have you ever considered that this may not be the most efficient way to work, especially for parents?
Newspapers. They used to say that tomorrow you will use them to wrap fish, but today they are out of date from the moment they get printed. People get their news online these days.
Lands’ End. I need more flannel in my life, said every baby boomer, ever. I guess nothing is going to stop them from buying more preppy and over-priced active wear.
DVD’s and (cringe) VHS. These are a bad for the environment and prone to scratches. Just go digital to save space and enjoy better quality.
Nationalism. Being a patriot is a good thing, but when that causes you to feel superior to all other places and people, there’s a definite problem. A little more acceptance is always a good thing.
Blaming millennials for everything. By putting money first, you did irreparable damage to the environment, stagnated wages, created crippling debt with student loans and siphoned off our retirement money, but millennials are the worst, right? We are so sorry about Sears and Applebee’s.
Hotels. Identical germ filled cubes, no thanks. Airbnb is so much better.
Encyclopedias. Before the internet and smartphones, we couldn’t settle any bet in seconds just by Googling the answer. People used to look up information they needed in encyclopedias. Most families kept a complete alphabetical set that they probably bought from a traveling salesman – another thing that is now obsolete.
Putting baseball cards in your bike spokes. Are baseball cards still a thing? Still, the sound of the cards hitting the spokes during a fast ride was strangely satisfying.
Tobacco ads on billboards. In the 1960’s and 70’s before the dangers of smoking were so well known, cigarette ads were everywhere. With the kid-friendly Joe Camel and the strong silent Marlboro Man beloved by everyone. Or as the Lucky Strike slogan proclaimed: “It’s toasted”. But as public opinion thankfully turned against smoking, tobacco advertising on billboards was banned.
Jell-O in everything.There’s always room for Jell-O, but this jiggly dessert does not go with everything. During the 60’s, savory Jell-O was a big hit, mixed with pork, fish, lamb, cottage, cheese, fruit and more. Thankfully this trend has gone away just like flowered bell bottoms.
The phone book. Phone books used to be delivered to your door every year and if you needed to call someone you had to flip through this heavy book and find the number alphabetically. What a waste of paper and after all that you had to deal with the rotary phone… sigh.
Transistor radios. Transistor radios went the way of the dodo once portable Walkmans and portable CD players were invented, but during the 60’s and 70’s these were the epitome of cool. They gave teenagers freedom to listen to their own music and were one of the most popular electronic devices in music history.
Spam for dinner. Meat in a can, pre-cooked and made with ham was a staple in every baby boomers’ kitchen for a while. It was very versatile and was the only canned meat product that didn’t need refrigeration. Is that a good thing?
Silly putty. Some things do last forever. Silly putty was a hit with the kids in the 1950’s, I played with it as a kid in the 1990’s, and it is still around today. It just goes to show how the simplest products can produce the greatest pleasure, no matter when they were invented.
Using knobs on the tv to change channels. Can you believe that you used to have to turn a knob to change the channel on the TV? Luckily, they didn’t have thousands of channels back then.
Five-and-dime store. There was a time when a store full of things that cost five or ten cents existed. These days you have to go to the dollar store for cheap, easily breakable items.
Wood-paneled station wagons. The beloved “Woodie” station wagon was the classic family car before SUV’s came along. If your dad came home with one of these beauties he couldn’t wait to run off and show it to the neighbors.
Eat margarine. In the 1950’s fats got a bad name and people were trying to eat less butter. Somehow, they came up with margarine as a substitute, a greasy artificial product which doesn’t taste nearly as good.
Answering machines. People used to have answering machines with little cassette tapes to record their messages when they weren’t home. Please leave your message after the tone, BEEEEP.
Offline banking. If you really have to go to your actual bank, which is highly unlikely, at least use the drive-thru or the ATM. Babby boomers actually still go to the bank…regularly!