As winter approaches in North America, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service has instructed migrating Canadian geese to keep flying. Citing the threat of terror and terrine, the large fowl generally referred to as “honkers” have been declared “undesirable flying aliens” and will be denied landing permits.
“They swarm. They squawk. They shit,” said an INS official. “They hatch their anchor-baby goslings here and demand citizenship under the 14th Amendment. Even worse, their feathered butts are big enough to hide a bomb in.” He also asserted that many northern geese spend the winter in Mexico but refuse to learn Spanish.
A State Department spokesperson, texting on background noted, “Geese are a Trojan horse. It would be fine if they came here to make duvets and down jackets, but these angry birds only come to poop and pillage. It’s worse than spring break in Ensenada which, for the record, I was never there! If we don’t get our ducks in a row, loud, messy geese will trash our lawns, loiter in our lakes and steal shelf space from delicious American waterfowl.”
U.S. gun enthusiasts are up in arms over any possible encroachment on their constitutional right to unlimited firepower. In response to the National Rifle Association’s considerable campaign contributions, elected officials are encouraging patriots to shoot all suspicious birds.
The President was quick to reinforce his anti-immigration message via tweet. “Our Northern border is a DISASTER! If Canadia (sic) doesn’t immediately stop sending their disgusting, overstuffed ducks into our territory, I will impose a 100% TARIFF on fois gras and personally build a mile-high fence along the border!”
Border state citizens are advised to report all odd ducks, silly geese and suspected Canadians to local INS hotlines.
R.S. Gompertz is a native of Southern California who currently lives and writes in Seattle. He recently completed a tour of Mexico and South America during which he spent several weeks in Cuenca. His most recent book, “Life’s Big Zoo,” is available on Amazon. For more information about his life, work and travels, click here.