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USA refuses entry to migrating geese

Canadian geese are taking over waterways and airspace and represent a growing menace to the U.S.

As winter approaches in North America, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service has instructed migrating Canadian geese to keep flying.  Citing the threat of terror and terrine, the large fowl generally referred to as “honkers” have been declared “undesirable flying aliens” and will be denied landing permits.

“They swarm. They squawk. They shit,” said an INS official. “They hatch their anchor-baby goslings here and demand citizenship under the 14th Amendment. Even worse, their feathered butts are big enough to hide a bomb in.” He also asserted that many northern geese spend the winter in Mexico but refuse to learn Spanish.

A State Department spokesperson, texting on background noted, “Geese are a Trojan horse. It would be fine if they came here to make duvets and down jackets, but these angry birds only come to poop and pillage. It’s worse than spring break in Ensenada which, for the record, I was never there! If we don’t get our ducks in a row, loud, messy geese will trash our lawns, loiter in our lakes and steal shelf space from delicious American waterfowl.”

U.S. gun enthusiasts are up in arms over any possible encroachment on their constitutional right to unlimited firepower. In response to the National Rifle Association’s considerable campaign contributions, elected officials are encouraging patriots to shoot all suspicious birds.

They propagate rapidly and are a threat to the balance of power.

The President was quick to reinforce his anti-immigration message via tweet. “Our Northern border is a DISASTER! If Canadia (sic) doesn’t immediately stop sending their disgusting, overstuffed ducks into our territory, I will impose a 100% TARIFF on fois gras and  personally build a mile-high fence along the border!”

Border state citizens are advised to report all odd ducks, silly geese and suspected Canadians to local INS hotlines.
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R.S. Gompertz is a native of Southern California who currently lives and writes in Seattle. He recently completed a tour of Mexico and South America during which he spent several weeks in Cuenca. His most recent book, “Life’s Big Zoo,” is available on Amazon. For more information about his life, work and travels, click here.

17 thoughts on “USA refuses entry to migrating geese

  1. There is some sad truth in this. We used to visit and stay in Heart of England (the British Midlands) a few weeks every year. Many ponds, (almost all artificial in that part of the world) are infested with Canada Geese (referred to as “outard” on Quebec). These are geese that lost their way from the Canadian Arctic to Mexico, (which casts some doubt on our faith in animal instinct). Once there, they apparently lose the weather clues and orientation to return from whence they came and these pristine English garden ponds become a permanent home. They are heavily protected by British law.

    Sadly, though stunning in flight, takeoff and landing and absolutely delicious if properly prepared, they are huge filthy things if they settle in someplace. Never seen another animal who could defecate that much. And their natural aggressivity makes them best and nastiest guard dogs I have ever seen.

    In the pond we were familiar with, it took the owners 2-3 years to obtain a permit to engage someone (also licensed) to ..er…. shotgun the problem away. Easily 30-40 birds. They contacted us and we showed them how to confit them and preserve them. (“Confit” in and around Cuenca sadly has nothing to do with the classic French method [originally Roman]). The results were a black market hit in the area for weeks! 😀

  2. Oh, how clever ! By darn, I haven’t laughed that much since the last……well, it was either the last time I had a root canal done through my nostril without anesthetic or when I had my proctologist implant more hemorrhoids. Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You are a southern California libtard ?

    1. Wrong, Eddy. He lives here in Seattle; an uber liberal, politically correct, hyper-hysterical, overly cautious, snow flake infested, holier-than-thou, highly taxed, over regulated, self-centered, Democratically induced, homeless cesspool. How did I muster sooo much restraint ?

  3. As I Canadian, please let me be the first to apologize…..But putting a tariff on fois de gras…unacceptable..We will have to burn your White House down again…hopefully with a few of the live in golfers ….

    1. The love of my life is a damn Canadian and she finds a way to bring up this White House burning story at least twice a day. Goose is good eating. So is she.

      1. Tell her that Americans occupied Montreal around the same time…and for a long time. There are stories of how Ben Franklin founded Montreal’s most prominent English newspaper which has now survived for over 200 years, The Gazette. Still exists but has fallen on hard times…like all printed media.

        The Montreal English community has drastically shrunk in numbers, power and influence in my lifetime. They have been replaced by thriving Italian, Greek, etc communities. There is NO majority community in Montreal, whether by religion or ethnicity. That is the best recipe for tolerance, GREAT food and beautiful women. Vive la difference.

    1. There was a time when Americans would love laughing at themselves. Maybe THAT was when America was great!

  4. Nah. I don’t believe it. Drumpf doesn’t know what foie gras is. Probably thinks buffaloes fly too. (Well, they have wings, don’t they?)

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